I've always been better at 'telling' than listening. In fact I was listening impaired until my late 40's - so much so that my inability to listen nearly destroyed my most important relationships. No, I'm not going to credit Mark Goulston's "Just Listen" with saving my marriage, but I will credit Mark's book with helping me understand and develop the emotional intelligence to be more empathetic with others and with myself. "Just Listen" starts out with a brief explanation of brain physiology, a model about how persuasion works and the idea of "buy-in" supported by emotionally moving anecdotal examples of how theory comes alive in practice. Mark introduces the important idea of 'mirror neuron receptor deficit' and how it affects our emotions and is the key for understanding how to listen effectively. I find Chapter 1, "Who's Holding You Hostage" one of the more powerful chapters in the book because it taps into an experience most people have had at some point in their lives - finding themselves 'held hostage' by the perception that no one understands us or can relate to the emotions we feel. These experiences don't always end in a literal gun-to-your-head standoff, but the effects can be just as devastating. The cover of "Just Listen" promises to reveal the "secret to getting through to absolutely anyone". The irony of the promise is that it includes getting through to oneself. I've read the book two times cover-to-cover and return to it frequently as a trusted resource. Mark's insights aren't a series of parlor tricks for getting what you want or manipulating others through coercion. Mark speaks to the fundamental human need for authentic connection - for being understood for who are as we are. "Just Listen" lays out 'Nine Core Rules For Getting Through to Anyone'. These rules are meant to be applied using the principle of the reciprocity - treat others the way you wish to be treated. Each of the rules can be thought of as anchor points or navigational buoys for charting a course in building effective and healthy relationships. Like navigational aids, the rules help ensure the safety of the journey. They are not the journey itself nor do they guarantee the journey will be easy. But without them you run the risk of running aground and sinking your boat. The Nine Rules are followed by twelve practical techniques for breaking through when people and situations 'get stuck'. Of the twelve techniques The Impossibility Question, "Do You Really Believe That?", Fill in the Blanks, and From Transaction to Transformation are my favorites because I have been able to make them my own and use them authentically with others. The key to using any tool or technique is to know when it is appropriate to use and when it is not. Just because you have a hammer doesn't mean everything is a nail. Mark provides adequate context for helping determine when a technique may prove useful. However, there is no substitute for preparation and practice. Using any of these techniques requires the investment of time and energy to internalize and make them your own. The last section of the book, "Putting It All Together: Fast Fixes for Seven Challenging Situations", is a deeper dive into combining the techniques to resolve 'stickier' problems. Chapter 29, "Getting Through to Yourself" is a gem. The chapter is short but if the reader engages honestly with the material they may find it the most beneficial. In it, Mark addresses our tendency to be overly self critical by asking us to ask ourself, "What's holding you back from accomplishing your goals, and how frustrating is that for you?" Mark suggests that if the reader examines their answer to the question carefully they may discover they are suffering from their own serious mirror neuron receptor deficit. Mark's writing style is clear and concise. The structure of the book makes it come across as 'formulaic' and is designed to appeal to readers looking for a quick fix. The real value of "Just Listen" comes in reading and rereading the book over a period of months wrestling with the implications of what it means to really listen to others and what it means to be deeply heard ourselves. Read more